My Battle With Trumpet Vines

Several years ago, I was given a trumpet vine (or hummingbird vine) to plant in my garden.  I knew nothing about trumpet vines except they produced a pretty orange flower and hummingbirds love them.  So, I planted it in my flower bed.  It soon took everything over and started to choke out everything around it.  I have done everything to get rid of this menace.  I have pulled and dug to the roots of every new sprout, then sit back in smug satisfaction that this time, I have won.  The trumpet vine is gone.  Then, a few days later, I find another new sprout.  And the battle begins anew.

This spring, I went really radical.  I dug up the whole bed, with the exception of my irises, which were getting ready to bloom.  I divided all of my other flowers, carefully inspecting each root ball for any sign of the trumpet vine, and moved the "clean" flowers to a newly prepared bed.  I then dug halfway to China, on my hands and knees, with a small shovel and got rid of every remaining root I could find.  Today, one week after my last inspection, thinking I have a "weed-free" bed, I find a thriving new vine, already about 18" long!  What is it going to take to have this nasty thing gone??!!

As I was attacking this thing again today, it occurred to me that I have a lot of figurative trumpet vines in the flower garden of my life, too.  There are nasty, invasive, noxious weeds that I have allowed to grow in my life and removing them takes a lot of hard work.  My personal weeds are things like insecurity, worry, jealousy, judgmentalism, cynicism, fear and a few others.  I constantly have to battle them.  I have found scripture to be an effective tool, a spiritual shovel.  I have also, at times, transplanted myself.  I spent 2 years working for a company that was full of gossip, back-stabbing and ladder-climbing.  I kept the "clean flowers", the training and new skills I learned, and left behind the invasive, choking people and culture of that place and moved to a new company.  I have also transplanted myself to a new church.  I learned the hard way that just because there is a cross on the building does not mean that God is alive in the congregation.  Once again, I kept the "clean flowers", my desire to be close to God, and transplanted myself to a place where I truly feel God's presence in the people.

The good news is that I now recognize these vines before they are in full bloom.  I have found that they are much easier to pull while the roots are still small.  If even a fragment of the root remains, the thing will grow back.  The same is true with my figurative vines...I now recognize these ugly aspects of my character as soon as they start to sprout, so I can get to work much sooner on digging those toxic feelings and behaviors out of my life's garden.  I suspect that my battle with both types of vines will continue for some time.  Little pieces of those roots lie just below the surface, waiting to sprout.  But, they aren't choking out the beauty anymore.  That is progress.

For My Friend

Earlier today, I read a friend's Facebook post.  This friend was hurt in an unspeakable way several years ago.  The lies that were told about my friend cost this person in ways that very few of us can imagine.  My friend commented on the struggle with forgiveness and ended the post with, "Guess I'll never be what you could call a good Christian."  I have thought about that all day.

As a flawed, fallen, imperfect person who struggles everyday, I just want to share with my friend my experience, my testimony.  There aren't any "good" Christians or "bad" Christians.  A Christian is someone who believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, sent by God the Father as our savior.  It is a gift of love freely offered and we are each free to accept or reject that gift.  There are no strings.  We can't earn His love by being "good" or lose His love by being "bad".  We love our children when they are good or bad.  They may disappoint us and we may wish they would choose another path, but we never stop loving them.  So it is with God our Father.  If we accept His gift of love and salvation, it is what we do with it that makes the difference.  Some call it their Christian walk.  If you accept the gift of love, you enter a relationship.  Like any relationship, if you put effort into it, if you learn about the other person, if you make nurturing it a priority, the relationship will blossom and grow and become a part of who you are that makes a difference in every area of your life.  It is a love that changes you, that lifts you up and takes you places you never imagined you would go.  It transforms you, strengthens you, comforts you and empowers you.

My friend, you knew me best before my journey with Christ really began.  You know I was raised in the Catholic faith, I believed that Jesus is my savior, but I had not yet begun to nurture that relationship.  I went through the motions, going to Mass, teaching the 5th grade Sunday school class, serving on church committees, but that truly personal relationship completely eluded me.

On October 7, 1994 my life changed.  Our baby daughter, Amanda, was stillborn.  It was a complete shock as I had a textbook pregnancy.  The grief and anger and hopelessness was overwhelming.  Mike and I grieved for the loss very differently.  He worked like a machine, almost around the clock.  By day, I could fake holding it together, but I became irrationally over-protective of Kayla, who was just 4 at the time.  Nights were horrible, filled with night terrors.  I was afraid to sleep, afraid to leave Kayla's side, afraid I was pushing my husband away.  I tried to pull myself together.  Several weeks after her death, I found myself curled up in my bathtub in the middle of the night, a towel pressed to my face to muffle my sobs so Mike or Kayla wouldn't find me freaking out, again.  I begged God to make it stop in whatever way He felt best.  I was ok with anything, even dying, as long as He took away the consuming grief and fear.  All I remember after that prayer is waking up in my bed, feeling rested for the first time since that horrible day and the sun was shining.  I can't say that everything was perfect, but I felt stronger and no longer alone.  Day by day, sometimes moment by moment, we started to heal.  We got the thrilling news that we were expecting Cody and on November 14, 1995, we welcomed our son.  The moment he was delivered and we heard him utter that first cry, Mike and I said in unison, "Thank You, God!!"  The God of comfort, hope and new life had introduced Himself to me and I wanted to get to know Him better.

I spent the next several years struggling with how to get close to Him.  We had a string of priests in our church that I could not connect with.  We even tried a different Catholic church.  That was an epic fail.  We returned to my childhood church.  I tried what I thought were going to be Bible studies, but they were solely based in Catholic catechism and we didn't even open a Bible.  Not what I was looking for.  I reached out to people in the church that I had known for years.  They had nothing for me.  In 2004, we moved, so we tried another Catholic church.  I have never felt so unwelcome anywhere in my life.  Mike had had enough.  He was done with church.  By this time, Kayla had gotten through Confirmation and refused to participate in any high school church groups.  She had her reasons that I will not go into.  Mike and I were both raised by devout Catholic mothers and we had promised when we were married in the Catholic church to raise our children in the church, and, to me, a promise is a promise.  So, Cody and I went back to my childhood church until he completed his Confirmation.  My promise kept, we never went back.

I decided that I didn't need people or a building to have a relationship with God.  So, I read the Bible on my own, found faith-based websites to help me guide my study and practiced praying from my heart and not reciting "approved" prayers.

Enter life-changing experience #2.  In mid-2005, we discovered that we had been badly burned in a business deal.  Bankruptcy was looming and I truly didn't know if we were going to pull out of it.  That crippling fear returned with a vengeance.  We talked to an attorney, the bankers, the CPA and everyone else who had a stake in the deal or who could offer advice.  We also prayed about it.  God revealed to us that we bore a lot of the blame because we did not mind our affairs as we should have.  We asked forgiveness for mismanaging His provision.  In a complete act of faith, we heeded the call that we were both getting that I should quit my pretty lucrative corporate job (just what everybody does when they are facing bankruptcy, the IRS and every letter of the alphabet in between!) and devote myself and my accounting talents full time to cleaning up the mess.  We also attended a pretty intensive faith-based financial management class so that Mike and I could strengthen our communication with each other, learn what God's plan is for our finances and be unified in how we manage this potentially very destructive topic in our marriage.  We prayed about everything, every step of the way we turned over our concerns and our questions to God.  In less than one year, approximately half a million dollars had been repaid.  We never declared bankruptcy and we never missed a payment on anything again.  Everything we had lost had been restored.  To this day, I don't know exactly how it happened and I lived in my ledgers for a year but I do know that turning to God made the difference.

God had now rescued me in a huge, it-can't-be-anything-but-God way twice.  I became even more interested in spirituality and my relationship with Him.  I knew He was walking with me and my eyes were opening to all He does in my life.  In about 2009, I discovered Pastor John Hagee of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas.  I was channel surfing one Sunday morning and he was the most compelling pastor I had ever heard.  He was speaking to everything I am passionate about.  This little Catholic girl was shouting "Amen" at the television in her living room!  I started watching every Sunday morning, it became my church.  I started reading his books. I began DVR-ing (and still do) the services so I could replay them to catch all the verses that would flash across the screen in reference to what he was preaching.  God decided it was time for me to return to church.  He had left me in peace to heal from my bad church experiences long enough.

I was driving through Dewitt one day, as I had done hundreds of times and I noticed a tiny, white, non-descript church that I had never noticed before.  The sign said Cornerstone Assembly of God.  Hmmm...Cornerstone?  It was as far away from the mega-Cornerstone I had been attending from my living room as a person could get.  I could not shake the call to give it a try.  The feeling not only wouldn't go away, it was so intense that I could physically feel the pull.  On Sunday, July 4, 2011, I couldn't shut it out any longer.  I got up, got dressed and headed to the 8:30 service.  All the way there, I asked God to let me be welcome.  I could not take any more rejection or disappointment from "church folk".  From the moment I walked in the door, I was literally embraced.  The structure of the service was unlike anything I had ever experienced, they actually used BIBLES!!  The people were so kind and it felt right.  After a few weeks, Mike started asking about the services.  I shared everything, what the service was like, what message was preached, what the people said.  It took him almost a year, but one Sunday, he decided to come with me and he has been going ever since.  Praying and worshipping with my husband has brought a depth and a richness to our marriage that we have never had before. 

My point, my friend, is that no where in my story did I do anything to earn God's grace or love.  I am not a "good" Christian.  Those people keep track of rules and judge others.  After a lifetime of Catholicism, I am done with spiritual rules and I am too big of a mess myself to be judging anyone.  I just started taking tentative steps toward Him and for every step I took in His direction, He seemed to take three in mine.  He has opened my eyes and my heart to things I never thought I would see or feel.  Sometimes, He even gives me a job to do for Him.  He has taught me how to watch for the signs.  Everything I give to Him in faith, He responds to.   I could go on for hours sharing what I have seen happen in my life.  What is happening in my life...because of Him.  It is never enough, everyday I want more of Him.  I still have my moments of worry, fear, doubt and all those other destructive human emotions, but they no longer cripple me.  I have peace in my life and I know who I am and I am happy.  God has that for you, too.  It is my prayer that you accept it.

A 17% Shut Down is a Good Start

So, the government has been "shut down" for about 10 days now.  Well, not really shut down.  83% of the federal government is still operating as usual.  The remaining 17% is deemed "non-essential".

Ummm...if it's non-essential, why is the federal government doing it, and why are we paying for it, in the first place?  I am a simple girl, so this is a simple thought, but haven't we just discovered a way to cut 17% pretty painlessly from the federal budget?

I know, that 17% that has been cut includes real people who earn their living working in these non-essential departments.  There are other people in essential portions of the federal government retiring or leaving their positions every day.  Couldn't these furloughed employees be given first chance to fill the positions vacated by exiting employees?

The national parks, monuments and memorials are also really great.  It is important to have them.  They remind us of the history and preserve the beauty of our great nation.  Since the shut down began, the state of Arizona has offered to pick up the tab to keep the Grand Canyon open.  A mountain community in Tennessee has a plan to keep its nearby national park open without federal funding.  Wisconsin has said they can fund these areas in their state.  The point is, individuals and communities are willing to fund the things that are important to them.  They will not wither up and close if the federal government relinquishes control.  Further, the local communities are the ones that have the vested interest in these venues so they are likely to take better care of them and operate them more efficiently than Washington DC ever could.  The problem is that it isn't about where the money comes from, it is all about control.

The most repugnant thing about this so-called shut down is the fact that our veterans are being unfairly targeted with threats to cut their death benefits, trying to prevent them from visiting their memorials and, in general, making their lives more difficult.  Taking care of our veterans is not a budget issue, it is a moral issue.  Period.  Here again, private charities have stepped up and said that they will fund the gap.  We love our vets and they will not do without. Ever.  For an administration that is so conscious of "optics", they sure screwed up on this one.  The smallness, pettiness and stupidity of messing with our vets pulls back the veil of who these people are in a way that nothing else they have done to this point has been able to do. 

If it were up to me, I would keep this shutdown going.  In about 6 months, new plans and procedures will be up and running and everyone will have adjusted to life without government interference in these areas.  Then, let's shut down another 17% of non-essential services and repeat the process.  As the government shrinks and gets out of the way, the private sector will grow, bringing jobs, prosperity and pride back to our nation.  That's the change I hope for.